Day 17: Friends?

My worst nightmare came to pass in my last years of primary school and if you are my friend, you would’ve heard this story more than once. This is the story of how I was betrayed, and painfully so. Before I get started though and don’t get your hopes up, the story is as short as it is miserable, I’d like to say a few words about motive or, using a more general term, intention. You see, your motive is what leads you to act and, as very few people realise, dictate the success of that act, so, today is about making an effort to boycott flawed motives.

Over the course of my life, I’ve found it very hard to make friends for some reason and even till date I feel the pain from the battle wounds inflicted by my previous friendships. Although my friends now are very dear to my heart, I still cannot articulate the depth our relationship because I’m too afraid to fall, I find myself closing off my heart so that if push comes to shove backing down will not be too much of an issue I can’t handle. Honestly, this conviction has taken different shapes as the years rolled by, now, my current defence mechanism is giving people the benefit of the doubt. One may say that that’s being too trusting but I think that it is quite the contrary because this way you, as my friend, are solely responsible for your action, so in a broader sense of the word, I think it can be quite selfish. The story goes that my dearest friend that I so desperately sort and to whom I had confided all of the deepest secrets of my tiny age, went in front of the class and told them to everyone the day before she was to change school. Why did she do that? For absolutely no reason because I didn’t offend her in any way, or at least not that I knew of at the time. Till today, I still wonder about it, did she do it to spite me? Because I cried and begged her not to do it, asking her what I had done to offend her, but she still went right ahead.

This story may sound small and insignificant but it made a mark on my young self and I remember that day I sat down still for several minutes, staring at the window wet with rain, tears rolling down my cheeks and feeling empty save a strong conviction never to be attached to anyone as I was to her. From that day onwards, that conviction has morphed and now, ever so slightly, I realise the flaw in my past friendships. Remember that motive thing? Well, that is everything. When you make friends, as with pretty much everything in life, the relationship is supposed to be a give and take one right? If you’re the only one giving and not taking anything and your motive for the friendship is an eye for an eye scenario, then that motive becomes a burden. When you love your friends, you don’t love them to be loved back, you love them for love’s sake, for God’s sake and by doing that, you have a whole lot of help carrying that burden. If you give your time, energy, sometimes even resources and it feels like you’re throwing it away, check your motive and turn all your investments to heaven where it is impossible for them to go to waste. Friendship takes time and effort and I’m not saying put yourself in a dangerous situation, I mean these people are supposed to be your friends aren’t they? So if they’re making you kill yourself then I suggest you love them from a safe distance and pray harder because they do not consider you as their friend. However, in true friendship scenarios, ask yourself: Is my motive really just about me or my friends?


Day 16: Searching

These days I’ve been trying to get back into the natural rhythm of my life, I’ve been trying to get my mojo up and fight for what I want the most academically, for the most part, to be honest, but the more I do that, the more I feel more and more distant. I feel very uneasy and I think the reason is a combination of a lot of things but I can’t seem to put my finger on what exactly it is. It’s really hard to teach yourself how to find yourself or how to be happy and a consequence of that is you make plenty of mistakes. The thing about do-overs is that they come at a price, for each mistake I make I feel like a part of me is left behind, a part of me that I can’t help but feel way more connected to than I should regardless of the fact that I know that part of me was inhibiting my growth. This journey I’m on is very difficult, I really didn’t expect it to be easy but this type of difficulty is not the one I prepared for. Today, I’m trying to learn to let go.

I’m pretty sure I’ve already mentioned this on here but 2017 was a disappointing year for me, I experienced familiar feelings of failure in a different and more profound way, however, it isn’t the failure that hunts me, it is the fear that I am never going to be able to recover from it that chases me to this day. I feel like I’m locked in my imperfections and no matter how hard I try I can’t escape it so sometimes I just stop trying and when I do I usually get to the point where when I try to begin again I think it’s 10 times harder. The truth is that life is brutal and so are the people in it, problems that different people struggle with are unique and come in various shapes and sizes. Sometimes when I talk to some people about my struggles, they belittle it saying that I’m  lazy, overly vulnerable and outright weak and yes, I am in those areas of my life, that’s why I struggle with them, but they never stop to see that they have struggles too, some of which are trivial from my perspective.

This is why in your dealings with people, empathy is necessary, you absolutely need to be able to empathize to have rich and meaningful relationships with the people around you, it is imperative. So, I know that some of my struggles are trivial to some people, I understand that but I assure you I’ve gotten past living a comparative life because no two paths are the same. For me, I have decided to break my bad habits the opposite way I formed them: by gradually manifesting my sheer will to counteract its gradual erosion over the years, taking it slow and steady no matter how many times I fail. I know that I’m not alone and no matter how futile I think my efforts amount to, tiny droplets of water make the ocean and so as long as I have breath in me, my motive will always be clear and my way will never be blurred even when I feel blind, lost and find myself, yet again, searching.

Day 15: Glorious Designs

So today, to mark half a month of journaling and gradual self-discovery, I’d like to do something slightly different to let you in on another spontaneous part of me, one that I hold so close to my heart because it does come from my heart. I’d like to share a poem, my poem, with you. This poem is called Glorious Designs as is revealed in the title of this entry, it was written in 2014 and it is based solely on how I see the world. You see, the way I see the world is quite different, irregular and some may even call it naïve but I call it hopeful. I have plenty of hope for this world and my generation because this world was not made by just anyone, how could it have been? It’s filled with glorious designs!

A beautiful morning I wake to,

Wishing I could carry the sun like the clouds do,

The singing birds adorn the air,

Their feathers, dark and lovely like my curly hair,

The golden aura of the sun peeps,

The vast sky from its beauty reaps.

These amazing art works were carefully made,

By a mind sharper than the sharpest blade,

The crafter’s heart the world cannot contain,

For His amazing skills no one can attain.

The Lord of all artists He ever shall be,

The greatest crafter you’ll ever see,

He’s your heavenly father,

The designer of the delicate feather,

 If He thus made things so nice,

 Imagine His reflection in pure ice.


Day 14: Strength

It took me over two months since my last entry to figure out where I was going with this and I’m still not there yet. Over the past few months since 2018 started I’ve been struggling with some majorly sticky little things, you know those sort of things that will screw with your adult life and truth be told I’ve had these habits for years and years and even more years so when I say sticky I mean it in the most literal of terms. Anyway, I gave myself a little time off from complaining about them to actually trying to fix them, so I’ll say this time I learnt that the little things are what make, break or delay you.

Remember that rock? Like the one that can only be destroyed by tiny consistent droplets of water rather than brute force? Well yes, that’s kind of the direction I’m headed in here. You cannot break a small vice with brute force unless you’re ready to suffer painfully in my case at least, these things take time, hard work, consistency and a whole lot of prayer. I know this comes across as a broken record sort of scenario but it is a factual one and you will never know its profound effect until you try it for yourself. I’ve been having really trying times recently relating to my work, self-awareness, relationships and fundamentals in general and I haven’t been able to shake off the “bad luck” as I like to call it as fast as I’d like, it’s literally been a real process of recovery.

Recently, I’ve found myself questioning almost all of my life decisions so much so that I’ve even doubted my own involvement in making those decisions because of how perplexed I am about their outcomes. I’ve been walking on almost literal and supposedly never-ending eggshells all my life and no matter how hard I searched I still have little perception of even a horizon. So I’ve been going back to my fundamentals: God, personal virtues like paying attention to the little details of disorder in my life and trying to put order, temperance, patience and charity. These are things that I should’ve had a long time ago but I’m still struggling with even as my mind rummages through my brain for words to stain these pages. So far, I’ve gotten significantly better at things I thought were my permanent flaws, things I’m still not perfect at but have a decent enough grasp on in the meantime. I still have a long way to go but now my hope lies in knowing that I’m no longer relying on my own strength.


Day 13: Renewed

People are different. This almost over used phrase has become somewhat ambiguous because it leaves this endless void in your mind that can never be filled. Sometimes, this void is fine, just a gaping hole in the middle of your thought process that finally doesn’t need to be filled with explanation. People are different, simple and short, that seems to explain everything and so the unexplainable phrase in itself is used as is with everyone too lazy to elaborate, almost like using an even bigger word to explain an already big word. Honestly, it’s extremely hard to pin point and truly understand what different means if you’re trying to look for what the word describes, I think it’s much easier to try and figure out what it doesn’t describe. Today, I learned that we actually have a lot in common.

Differences are vast, I bet it will take way longer to map out what makes people so different than it would to figure out what makes them the same. In today’s world we see tonnes and tonnes of flowery characters that undermine our similarities, we see people who are talented in the most versatile of things and we see others who create talent where there seems to be none. You see, all of these things that make people so unique are the very things that point them in the same direction: Perception. Everyone is in their own little struggle to share and express the way they perceive the world, we take in the information, some of which have been predetermined by our birth circumstances, and try to make sense of it and mold it into a picture that we see as a befitting depiction of the world that we live in in all it’s multifaceted goodness.

When I look at the world though it’s hard for me to realize that I’m looking for my perception, there’s just so many others that I seem to get swept up into this frenzy that mine is not good enough or that another person’s is a more likely truth. When I doubt myself and find myself worrying about what the world has to offer me rather than thinking of how to share my own perception with the world in my own unique way, I freeze because I’m so afraid that I might screw up and even loose the predetermined factors that helped me to build up to my current status. I know for a fact now that there is a bigger picture and the hardest part is filling in the little details, so that’s going to be the start of my grandeur painting, that will be my perception renewed.

Day 12: Pause

There’s a story to everything. Everything has a way that they came to be, a sort of panorama that’s impossible to escape. The truth is impossible is very cliche, apparently it’s code word for possible so when you think you’re stopping yourself you’re actually leading yourself on. I’ve been in a place where stopping is the last thing I want to do because it seals me at a standstill that blocks my horizon. The thing about horizons though is that it’s a dead end until you move, today, I realize that learning is everything.

Setting things in motion is easier than doing the reverse because naturally everything is in motion, I mean the ultimate stop button is absolute zero and that still doesn’t stop everything because time still goes on, right? Wrong? I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’m never going to find out. The truth is a lot of the things that you find out aren’t very useful, the skills that most people spend a lifetime honing barely come in handy because life doesn’t have a cheat sheet, it’s pay as you go, whether you know anything or not you can’t stop moving, it’s a constant roller coaster that makes you self aware by keeping you on edge or making you keep yourself on edge. Some people may find this bizarre but things that people know are boring, useless, the real thrill is finding out something that no one knows, it doesn’t matter whether it’s useful information or not, because to be honest that’s relative, what matters is the process, the hunt.

Looking ahead now I realize that I’ve lost my focus on the hunt one time too many, frankly, I usually lose my focus on the hunt. I forget that once I have the game I lose the drive, the rush, the first motive, I’m no longer invigorated so I’m vulnerable, weak. Life is a constant hunt and the more you focus on every single game you catch, the more you miss out on the thrills of the next hunt. Success is a line that you cross to get to the next mission, it is not a status, it is a compilation, a process that never ends and is fueled by knowledge, so next time, don’t get comfy, remember not to pause.

Day 11: Back

I’m struggling, I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel and the truth is I’m not even looking for the light, I don’t care what’s ahead. I mean how can I care what’s ahead when what’s past is preventing me from doing that, I feel like I’m being stripped of every shred of energy I have as the seconds go by, how can I make it to the other end of the tunnel like this? There might as well not be light cause it won’t matter, I’ll never know the difference. Today, I didn’t learn anything, today, I feel like I’ve lost everything.

I’ve had good things going for me definitely, and I’m the type of person to try her hardest to motivate, inspire, and stay positive in every way that I can, but I need have Myself to be able to do that, I need to be thinking straight enough. People say failure makes one stronger, no doubt about that but it’s usually the people that come out the other end that say this, they tell their motivating stories of how they conquered but no one knows how difficult the process is until they have experienced it for themselves. It’s easier to talk about the walk through the valley of the shadow of death when you are at the end of the valley but trust me it’s a million times more difficult when you’re in the middle of it. I have failed a couple of times in my life but not at things I was good at and so it didn’t bother me at all, I honestly don’t remember a time when I failed something I knew for a fact that I was good at and I put in the work. Imagine working so hard but failing anyway, no one will believe you, what you did will not be good enough, not that I care what people think per say, but everyone knows that there is a stage in your life that you don’t call all the shots. Realistically, you can’t prevent people from inputting in your life and whether or not that input contributes to your output is usually irrelevant, for some reason, but that’s usually the case.

I am searching frantically for a way out of this cause I need this lesson, I need to learn how to fail even when I put in 100% knowing that 90% of that was God’s grace and that I did my best and things like this happen but I feel like that’s physically impossible right now. I feel so broken I want to run far far away and I know that I’m not the only one but this is my pain and it’s the only thing I can truly read off of. I am far from perfect, that’s why it’s more obvious when I flunk things I’m meant to be perfect at, this year carries my first, real, glaring experience of failure, and honestly, all I want to do right now is go back.