Day 12: Pause

There’s a story to everything. Everything has a way that they came to be, a sort of panorama that’s impossible to escape. The truth is impossible is very cliche, apparently it’s code word for possible so when you think you’re stopping yourself you’re actually leading yourself on. I’ve been in a place where stopping is the last thing I want to do because it seals me at a standstill that blocks my horizon. The thing about horizons though is that it’s a dead end until you move, today, I realize that learning is everything.

Setting things in motion is easier than doing the reverse because naturally everything is in motion, I mean the ultimate stop button is absolute zero and that still doesn’t stop everything because time still goes on, right? Wrong? I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’m never going to find out. The truth is a lot of the things that you find out aren’t very useful, the skills that most people spend a lifetime honing barely come in handy because life doesn’t have a cheat sheet, it’s pay as you go, whether you know anything or not you can’t stop moving, it’s a constant roller coaster that makes you self aware by keeping you on edge or making you keep yourself on edge. Some people may find this bizarre but things that people know are boring, useless, the real thrill is finding out something that no one knows, it doesn’t matter whether it’s useful information or not, because to be honest that’s relative, what matters is the process, the hunt.

Looking ahead now I realize that I’ve lost my focus on the hunt one time too many, frankly, I usually lose my focus on the hunt. I forget that once I have the game I lose the drive, the rush, the first motive, I’m no longer invigorated so I’m vulnerable, weak. Life is a constant hunt and the more you focus on every single game you catch, the more you miss out on the thrills of the next hunt. Success is a line that you cross to get to the next mission, it is not a status, it is a compilation, a process that never ends and is fueled by knowledge, so next time, don’t get comfy, remember not to pause.

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Day 11: Back

I’m struggling, I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel and the truth is I’m not even looking for the light, I don’t care what’s ahead. I mean how can I care what’s ahead when what’s past is preventing me from doing that, I feel like I’m being stripped of every shred of energy I have as the seconds go by, how can I make it to the other end of the tunnel like this? There might as well not be light cause it won’t matter, I’ll never know the difference. Today, I didn’t learn anything, today, I feel like I’ve lost everything.

I’ve had good things going for me definitely, and I’m the type of person to try her hardest to motivate, inspire, and stay positive in every way that I can, but I need have Myself to be able to do that, I need to be thinking straight enough. People say failure makes one stronger, no doubt about that but it’s usually the people that come out the other end that say this, they tell their motivating stories of how they conquered but no one knows how difficult the process is until they have experienced it for themselves. It’s easier to talk about the walk through the valley of the shadow of death when you are at the end of the valley but trust me it’s a million times more difficult when you’re in the middle of it. I have failed a couple of times in my life but not at things I was good at and so it didn’t bother me at all, I honestly don’t remember a time when I failed something I knew for a fact that I was good at and I put in the work. Imagine working so hard but failing anyway, no one will believe you, what you did will not be good enough, not that I care what people think per say, but everyone knows that there is a stage in your life that you don’t call all the shots. Realistically, you can’t prevent people from inputting in your life and whether or not that input contributes to your output is usually irrelevant, for some reason, but that’s usually the case.

I am searching frantically for a way out of this cause I need this lesson, I need to learn how to fail even when I put in 100% knowing that 90% of that was God’s grace and that I did my best and things like this happen but I feel like that’s physically impossible right now. I feel so broken I want to run far far away and I know that I’m not the only one but this is my pain and it’s the only thing I can truly read off of. I am far from perfect, that’s why it’s more obvious when I flunk things I’m meant to be perfect at, this year carries my first, real, glaring experience of failure, and honestly, all I want to do right now is go back.

Day 10: Fruit

Have you ever been so stuck that you give up on even giving up and just live cause you have no choice? Have you ever had a problem that you can’t run away from so you just ignore it? Life can be such a pain that those kind of problems have no solution, those kind of problems are the ones where life literally gives you only lemons to work with and you can’t even make lemonade because you only have lemons. Today, I learned that where you look for the solution matters.

The honest truth is that you can’t expect to find a solution to a problem that is not of this world in this world. I’m not saying that the problem is spiritual, I’m saying that it is one that cannot be solved by a person, and I’m sure if you’ve had a problem like this I do not need to explain what I mean. You see, I have been battling with myself for as long as I can remember and I have lost most of the time, and those times it has weakened me so much I felt no motivation to resist myself anymore, I would just go with the flow. For me, my parents have been my biggest and most used lifeline and each time I would go to them feeling completely hopeless and tired they kept trying to get me to use their lifeline which I did not understand mostly because I couldn’t see the effects or even the point, or at least I thought I couldn’t. The effect was in every breath that I took, I am alive and so I can fight, and what’s more, I don’t need to do it alone because I’m not alone.

God works in mysterious ways, ways that I cannot even begin to understand so I don’t try, I just leave it, whenever I have a problem like that I literally just give it to God saying, “You know what? I don’t care anymore, do what you want”, that’s no way to talk to even your subordinate and I treat my God and maker and creator like that?? I know, I’m not proud of it, but I get to that stage sometimes and it’s mostly because my problems are my making. I created those problems for myself not because I wanted to but because I’m so weak that I give in to myself every time and I’m too proud (another weakness) to admit to God that I’m weak so I act like it wasn’t my fault, I act nonchalant to Him. What blows my mind though is that every time, He still comes through for me, allowing my barren land, in spite of everything, to still bear rich fruit.

Day 9: Control

Giving up is never an option, it has never been, but that doesn’t mean the thought doesn’t pop in your head sometimes. When you do what you do, you want people to feel the right energy when they’re around you, you don’t want to give off the wrong impression or motive or have them think they understand what they know nothing about. The way you carry yourself is an interface to what goes on on the inside, if you’ve got a well laid out interface it’s easier for people to engage, the problem is how? Today is the day I learn how.

Everyone needs help once in a while but it’s hard to admit it, most times being by yourself and in your feelings is easier because you can handle it and you don’t have to deal with any loose ends. This is true, and much easier, but it helps to interact, to let people in, let someone in, someone that can see the bigger picture, get a clearer look at the parts you can’t see, or the parts you don’t want to see. Your self can be your greatest enemy, it can make you do things that are very bad for the one that drives self (you) without you even knowing it. I’ve noticed that anytime I give in to myself I feel weaker like something is tapping my life force, but every time I do otherwise I feel stronger like something is letting go of me.

I’m not sure what it is or why it happens but I want to get there, get to the point where I’m in charge of myself, where I call all the shots. I want that so badly that I’m twice as weak when I give in to myself like those times I’m extra lazy or vain or greedy. It’s terrifying though, leaving your comfort zone, almost like getting rid of the training wheels on your bicycle, but I ride without training wheels and it’s invigorating, sometimes I fall but then I get better at it each time. The person that is still riding with their training wheels will never know what it feels like to ride without them if they don’t let go. It’s hard, so hard, but unbelievably liberating for something seemingly as insignificant as riding a bicycle with no limits, imagine what it’ll feel like to reach the pinnacle of self-mastery, what it’ll feel like to finally be in control.

Day 8: Focus

The world is full of different people who thrive under different circumstances. A lot of the time this fact is mind-blowing because we all have pretty much the same physiological features and what makes us different is something we can’t even see. I love the way the world works, there’s so much to see and learn and do and it’s satisfying to know that the opportunities are there, but then the problem is Access. Today, I learnt that the world lacks it.

Remember how different people in the world are? Yeah, so why do we have to do things the same way? Take school for instance, what is the point of school? To learn right? But then I’m sure if you ask anyone that has ever been in school that’s not the case. Yes, you learn a bit in school but how many times do you actually feel like you’ve learnt something, how many times have you studied for a test not because you want a good grade but because you’re just itching to know. Don’t get me wrong, a good few people thrive in an environment like that and actually do learn, but guess what? A good few people, also, do not. They don’t have access to the vast knowledge the world has to offer because schools don’t give them the keys that will open their own minds to it, schools only have one set of keys and if they don’t work for you then, well, too bad. Schools allow their minds to be shut because they aren’t capable of understanding why there is School in the first place, they’re too busy breeding unnecessary competition when we’re supposed to be working together, and capitalizing on grades that are meaningless in the real world.

I love to learn, especially what I enjoy because there’s a level of satisfaction that comes with it apart from the fact that I know it for life. It’s invigorating, but sometimes I wonder why I try when I live in a world that doesn’t care if I learn, a world that only cares about the number or letter on a piece of paper. Anyway, I’ve decided I will give myself access to the world’s knowledge, I will forge the very keys that will open my mind to the knowledge that I crave, I will define my boundaries and I don’t care if that shouldn’t be my focus.

Day 7: Full

Living gives you the opportunity to learn a lot which is great, but it’s not that simple because you have to choose what to learn. Sometimes the choice is straightforward like you need to learn how to tie your shoelaces, write or just learn the difference between virtues and vices in general, because those things are somewhat fundamental to living, hierarchically of course. It gets harder when the lines start to look more and more blurred and suddenly, you’re struggling to make the right choices and not just the right choices, the right choices for you. Today, I learned the importance of the “for you” part.

Happiness. The meaning of this word is very simple; the feeling of pure, lasting joy and satisfaction, not fleeting or temporary, but lasting, very simple. Then why is it so difficult to find? Some people spend their lives looking for happiness to no avail, others find it without even searching and the rest have given up hope and settled for the temporary kind, this kind is obviously not Happiness so I just use the word “kind” for lack of a better word or lack of any word to be honest. You see happiness is not something that’s outside of you, it’s not something that you need to look for outside of yourself. It is a choice that you make which is then activated by God, keyword: God, but a lot of people forget this part of the equation, and it is the crucial part.

Yes, yes, you’ve gotten to the part where you finally find out that happiness is a choice and that’s fantastic, a great feat in fact, but then choosing to be happy is useless without God, it’s almost like trying to break down glucose without oxygen: possible, but nowhere near as effective. Life gives you different pathways to pick from, almost forces you to believe that you can find happiness outside of yourself because there are so so many different forms of the temporary kind I was talking about to pick from. Well, stop and try an approach that is guaranteed to work better because your happiness is still far from full.

Day 6: Infinity?

Is eternity real? This question is one that is perched on the lips of a good few people in the world, everyone is trying to find the meaning of life, the conclusion to all of its perks and struggles. No one knows tomorrow, today is all we have, so live your today like it’s your last. It seems like everything points to the uncertainty of eternity, so why do we plan? Why do we think about the future with a seemingly flawed hope? I don’t know, but today, I learned that I don’t care.

The high school I went to was a day school which meant that we were dropped off and picked up from school every day. Every day, I would go to school, do pretty much the same thing, see pretty much the same people and then come home to the same scenario.  This routine of life was one that I was already very well accustomed to so it didn’t bother me too much. Sometimes when I was extra bored I’d wish something will change, but it was only a fleeting thought that would push me back into the very routine I sought escape from, or at least I thought I did.

Thinking back now, I realise my life was extremely far from a routine. I mean there has to be some sort of order in the midst of the chaos that is life. One needs to eat often enough, sleep, breathe, do all of these things that are naturally and permanently repetitive, but you know what’s different? The people, that’s why we’re here, to live for the others, and that’s what she, and all the others that have gone before her, did.

When I found out, my mind went blank except for one image: her smile, that’s literally all I could remember because that was the most profound thing about her. She was always very bubbly and sweet, yes she would be a bit strict with us when we were punished and sent to work in her ‘lair’, but it was a sternness that was filled with nothing but love. So, the question is not whether or not eternity is real because we are here now, living, breathing, doing, so why not spend this time loving? At the very least so that people can think fondly of you and remember your smile, the one that warmed their heart every time. Now, how’s that for a legacy that can never be destroyed even if one melts into oblivion in the end. She radiated love, especially for the others and that’s definitely where she’s going to spend her ‘infinity?’.